Have I Really Been This Blind?
by thelittlenerd
Summary: Emma Approved universe. 3-shot from Alex's POV. Starts after ep. 69 up to speculative Knighthouse ending. "Have I really been this blind or have I been lying to myself this whole time?"
1. Loose Ends

_Author's note: This is an Emma Approved fanfic that was written after Episode 69, "Strange Days." It's a three-shot from Alex's POV, ending in some speculation about how Knighthouse happens! I hope you enjoy it!_

**Chapter 1: Loose Ends**

"Have I really been this blind or have I been lying to myself this whole time?" She sighs. "Well that stops now. Because now…"

It had taken over two weeks, but Alex had finally worked up the resolve to go back to the office and take his things. He couldn't just leave his desk like that. There were…loose ends that needed to be tied up.

Like the fact that he was in love with her, and she was Frank's.

But he had spent enough time torturing himself with these thoughts, restless and sleepless and heartbroken. He had restrained himself from checking Emma's Twitter, Frank's Twitter, any social media at all. A day after leaving the office he went up to visit John and Izzy, making them swear they wouldn't tell her, and tried to get a grip on his feelings. And his disappointment in her. Or whatever version of her had been so abominably cruel to Maddy in such a careless way. If that was what being with Frank did to her, then he couldn't stay and watch her become that Emma. It would be the only thing that could break his heart more.

But being around Izzy, who looked like Emma, talked like Emma, was not helping. And she and John were clearly worried. He couldn't remember ever having a major fight with Emma, let alone something as enormous as this. He couldn't talk about it to John, though. He couldn't tell anyone. He just had to find a way to let go of the years of feelings that had piled up in his heart.

Now he was back home, and he had promised himself that he would look her in the eye properly, and say goodbye. He'd find a replacement for his job. And he'd leave, carrying all his love with him, and let her and Frank be happy together.

But then he was in the doorway, watching her speak to the camera in a trembling voice, reproaching herself. Over what? What could she mean? He knew—he didn't want to be too arrogant, but he knew that he must have hurt her. He knew his anger was justified after what she did, but he felt like he had betrayed her terribly. They were best friends. And he was so important to the business that he had no idea how she and Harriet managed to keep it going, though of course he believed in them. Emma was so intelligent, so ambitious, so driven. And she had managed to transform Harriet as well. She hadn't seen him, but he had watched Harriet handling customers on the phone just now with ease and confidence.

But she had Frank now. A relationship now. What could she have been blind to seeing? Emma, who seemed to see everything and know everything except the love he had hidden so carefully from her?

He lost all his nerve. Fighting Emma, even leaving Emma, he could do. But he couldn't face crying Emma. He couldn't resist the urge to bury her in his arms and tell her that she was the most wonderful, the most beautiful…

He couldn't bear to stay. Turning on his heel, he left without even entering his office. He snuck out into the parking lot feeling even more guilty than before, regretting that he hadn't listened more. What was Emma talking about? What was wrong?


	2. Mistakes

**Chapter 2: Mistakes**

He hadn't taken anyone's calls or messages. He wasn't ready to discuss Emma, not with anyone. But Sunday afternoon, he looked down at his front doorstep to see a basket full of jam. Maddy. He stooped down and picked up the note lying on top:

_Mr. Knightley! I brought you some of your favorite jam to get you through a tough time. I know you and Emma are fighting, but you can still talk to me, and I won't breathe a word. I'm still your friend. Now call me already! Mama and I are worried.  
Love,  
Maddy_

He grinned despite himself. He picked up the basket and took it inside, plopping it on the kitchen counter. Then he took a seat in one of the chairs and took out his phone. He took a deep breath as he heard it ringing.

"Alex Knightley, is that you?"

"Hi, Maddy."

"You're home! I am so glad you called. Did you get my jams, then?"

"I did, thank you so much."

"Oh, you're welcome, honey. My pleasure. I have a few new recipes that I'm trying out this weekend so you have to come over. You are staying, right? You up-and-disappeared on us there, mister. Oh! But I'm not going to ask a question about that. I know it's not easy to talk about, sugarpuff. But I will say that she has been more than kind to me. You know, that girl makes a lot of mistakes, but she has a good heart."

"I…don't know if I'm staying, Maddy." He couldn't believe that Maddy of all people was defending Emma.

"Oh, you young'uns are so dramatic these days. But that's alright. You know, my Jane is going through the same thing as you. What with her splitting from Frank and all, everything is just topsy-turvy. But like Mama always says—I was telling Emma this the other day—like Mama always says, 'Good men are like vegetables. They always turnip!' Get it? Turn up? And you're a good man, Alex. Things are gonna work out just fine for you."

Alex's head was spinning. Clearly there was something he wasn't following. "Maddy, sorry. I'm confused. Did you say Jane…broke up with _Frank?_"

"Did you not know? And I was so good with keeping the secret! Mama and I were veeery discreet. Well, that's alright, everybody else knows. I'm sorry I kept it a secret, baby. Frank and Jane were dating for a while, but they broke up right when Jane left the office. But she's doing okay, so don't worry. She's got a new job that she is getting ready for and she is all _kinds_ of busy!"

Then—then he had been right! Frank and Jane were dating! He knew he was right no matter what Emma said.

Emma.

"Maddy, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back. I need to go."

"Already? Well that's alright, sugarpuff. But you had better call me back soon!"

"I will, Maddy." He hung up.

That was it. That's what she had been blind to. Frank, that cruel, cold-hearted jerk! That bastard had been callously flirting with Emma, _seducing _her, when he and Jane were already together! He knew he should never have trusted that flirtatious two-timing scumbag. And now Frank had broken Emma's heart. And Jane had left. And Alex had left, too, left Emma alone and hurting and lost. And she had still risen to the challenge and kept the business on its feet, all by herself. But she might never forgive him. And he might never forgive himself.

He had to go back.


	3. They Always Turn Up

**Chapter 3: They Always Turn Up**

"Emma."

She stared at him in utter shock as he walked into her office, and he could feel all her pain and he couldn't meet her eyes. He sat down next to her and steeled himself before he met her gaze.

Her voice shook to match her hands. "Alex."

His tone was soft and grave. Hesitant. "How are you?"

"I'm…I'm fine." She spoke in a higher pitch than usual, but he didn't comment on it. "How have you been?"

"I've been fine. Busy."

"Busy. I see." He tried to gather himself, not to lose his thoughts in the sound of her voice. But she saved him by continuing. "So a lot happened when you—when you were gone. Um, Frank and Jane were secretly dating! Crazy, right?"

He tried to reply cautiously. "Yeah. Yeah, I already heard."

"Oh. You did. Well, you probably were less surprised than everyone else. I know you tried to warn me once, but…well, I've never been good at listening, and look where that got me." The volume of her words sank at the end, and she broke eye contact.

Instinctively, he reached out to take her hand. She was surprised but let him take it, staring. He tried to speak louder than a murmur. "Emma, I know…I know it hurts, but I'm sure you'll forget him if you give it time. You're too smart—too good for that jerk." Indignation flooded his tone. "It's good that he's gone. A scumbag like him doesn't deserve Jane, and he definitely doesn't deserve you." He stopped, puzzled by her expression. The sadness had left her eyes; she seemed more sheepish, more ashamed.

"You're…thank you, Alex, but there's been a mistake. I know I flirted with Frank, and I behaved _really_ badly. I did, and said, a lot of things that I regret, but I don't have any other reason to be upset over Frank."

"Emma!" He couldn't help but say her name in astonishment, but then checked himself. "No, I mean, that's good. That's really good, then. I'm glad you've gotten over him so fast. He's not worth your time. I just hope Jane has done the same."

She was still trying to speak normally, but he could see her confusion, and it confused him. "…Alex, really, I didn't like Frank. I know I might have given a very different impression, but I never liked Frank that way." He stayed silent, waiting for an explanation, trying to comprehend what she was saying. "It was my own vanity. He's rich, handsome, successful, charming, he's Ryan's brother—anyway, it felt good to get attention from him. But for a while I felt like a lot of his attitude wasn't serious, so I took it lightly. I can see now that it was all a trick to hide his relationship with Jane. And I'm lucky that I never…fell for him. Not even a little."

Hope bubbled up inside him and he fought to push it down as his eyes roved her face, looking for signs that she was lying to him. But she wouldn't. He already knew that. He rejoiced, inwardly, that she was safe. So many weeks of anxiety for nothing. She was okay. And she didn't care about Frank. After a while, Alex mastered his emotions enough to say bitterly, "Frank is a lucky man. So unfeeling, using people as he wants, but he got a great girl like Jane to love him, even in a secret relationship. A girl who, knowing Jane, didn't care about his money or his status. It was so easy for him to find someone smart, kind, intelligent, sweet… And he charmed everyone else so easily, too!"

Emma stiffened. He wasn't sure what she was thinking of. "You sound like you envy him."

"I do." His words were directed at her this time. He couldn't stop himself. "There is one thing that makes me envy him more than I can say." Emma remained silent, looking troubled. He didn't know what this meant. Had she understood him? "You…don't want to know what that is. But I have to tell you anyway, Emma, even if you don't want to hear it."

"Then don't say it!" He froze. His entire being was filled with aching disappointment. "Take some time, don't force yourself." He could not make himself stand, or look at her. His heart was thudding and his throat closed up. That was it. She had rejected him. Emma would never love him, not even if she had no one else in her heart.

He managed to choke out, "I should go." He abruptly stood up from the chair and turned towards the door, recalling briefly all the times he had come in and out, admiring her hair, her eyes, her teasing laugh, her radiant smile. He couldn't stay.

Suddenly there was a hand clutching at his arm, almost desperately. He turned and he was gazing into her pleading eyes. "Alex, wait. I was—I was rude just now. If there's anything you want to tell me, I'll listen. As your friend."

He sat down slowly, looking her in the eyes with a mirthless laugh. He held her hands in his. "A friend! No, no, I can't tell you as a friend. I can't be your friend."

He saw the tears spring to her eyes again. "Alex, I'm sorry—"

"I can't be your friend because I want to be more. Emma, be honest with me. Do I have any chance?" He let all of his love for her wash over his expression, into his eyes, and saw her own widen. "Emma, you know me. I can't make speeches. If—if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. I have lectured you, blamed you, and you put up with me every step of the way." She was still totally silent, looking overwhelmed.

But happy. More than happy, despite the tears in her eyes. Elated. This smile was all for him.

He couldn't wait any more. "Emma, please, say something—"

"Yes." She was sniffling and she pulled back one of her hands to wipe the tears from her face, and then she was looking straight at him with the biggest smile he'd ever seen on her face. "Yes, Alex, I love you too. I love you so much."

He could never describe the happiness he felt as they looked deep into each other's eyes, seeing each other as if it was the first time, and yet knowing each other so well. And then her hands were on his shoulders and his were on her waist, and their lips met in a long, long kiss, and he knew that all his heartbreak and turmoil had been worth it. He finally had Emma.


End file.
